By: Hindy Meredith
July 6th 2023. Today I stepped on my mat again after 7 months.
Since last November I was thrown into what seems like a dizzying set of events which included two surgeries, one of them a total hip replacement, the death of a parent, the birth of a granddaughter and all the emotions, psychological effects and thoughts that come with all of it.
I hit the proverbial wall. I was left spent, lost, exhausted, like a freight train ran me over and left me for dead.
These set of events left me questioning everything I relied on to keep me mentality and emotionally healthy.
For 15 years I relied on my yoga practice, my yoga trainings, workshops and community to stay connected to my body and therefore to my soul. The two surgeries I went through, specially the Total Hip Replacement stopped me on my tracks. I wasn't able to rely on moving and stretching as I always had in order to keep my mind afloat.
The death of my father only a month after my total hip replacement shook my core even more. I no longer believed in karma, in "be good do good" in everything all my guru's and yoga teachers had taught me for 15 years or more. I felt empty and lost and questioned everything I thought to be true. I was angry, hurt, I couldn't move, exercise or practice yoga, I had lost my Dad to cancer and nothing made sense. For a long time. Nothing. Made. Sense.
So I surrendered to the emptiness and the uncertainty. I focused on making peace with life's seemingly random flow and often wretched ways.
I realized that at the core of it all, in the midst of my pain, anger and inability to "do" yoga
I was actually closest to its teachings than ever before.
I had no choice but to let go of what I wanted, I stopped trying to analyze or make sense of the ideas I no longer felt I believed in. None of it mattered. The total surrender of all practice, all believe, was the thing that kept me afloat until my body healed enough to move again.
I cried a lot. I pondered a lot, I tried to keep busy a lot and in the end I realized that I just needed to accept the whole process and that maybe in time I'd be able to connect with the things I loved to do before but in a new way.
Fast Forward to today. 7 months after my first surgery. Still mourning the death of my Dad but also basking in the joy of seeing my 3 month old granddaughter grow and smile and bring hope to all of us. Life is such a strange, strange trip. If we think about it too much we may miss the point.
Today I built up the courage to show up to a gentle yoga class. I was determined to do what I could without judging myself or comparing the body I have today to the body I had before. It's simply not the same.
I did the best I could with what I had and it was amazing and exactly what I needed.
I enjoyed that class and every breath and cue more than I ever had, maybe because I simply could be there, on my mat, finally.
Letting yoga do what yoga does, embrace me in a flow of grace, healing and new beginnings. Every practice offers us exactly that, a new opportunity to heal what ails us
( knowingly or unknowingly) and to open our hearts to accepting love and compassion for ourselves, by ourselves. This is the power of the yoga teachings and practice I had forgotten and I am so grateful I was courages enough and willing enough to feel again by showing up to class. Hope you feel it too next time you step on your mat.
Love & OM,
H
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